Last month it was my 39th birthday. Usually I sit in a place of waiting and seeing what comes to me for my special day. I assume and hope that others will meet my needs the way I would like them too. But I also usually would give out mixed signals as I have an argument with myself. I would love others to make a fuss but I also do not like surprises. But then I don't want to be a burden to others to have to go out of their way but then I feel upset if I am forgotten. Birthdays for many people seem to be a mash up of happy and sad or worrisome feelings. We all would like to feel some significance without the spotlight directly on us. We would like to feel love but not be put in a vulnerable space where we might be let down. It is such an accomplishment that with all this going on we even get out of our beds on our special days.
So this year I took a more direct and refreshing attitude towards the day. Leading up I connected with people I wished to spend time with on the day. And if someone did offer me a treat instead of saying, "Oh not don't go to that effort for me." I welcomed it with open arms. As a result I woke early and leapt out of bed on the day and climbed to the Hakarimata Summit with a favourite person. I enjoyed every moment even the those while I was alone. I was happy to share with people that it was my birthday and let their well wishes soak in. I bought my own birthday cake and took my kids shopping and waited at the other end of the shop while they choose something they thought I would like. The time and thought they put into this was uplifting enough. At home the four of us sang happy birthday...took selfies to capture the moment and enjoyed the delicious cake.
So when I took myself to bed that night I filled in my gratitude journal and went to sleep a very happy and content lady. And the only reason I felt this way was because I made it happen. I created exactly what I wanted for myself. I wanted to be in a space of love and presence and peace and I was. I chose these. I was open to possibilities. I didn't wait for somebody else to make it happen for me.
I created something completely new for myself. Something in 39 years I had never done before. I created a day that honored me! I needed to get very honest with myself and my need for others to show their love and acceptance for me and realize that was never going to be certain ever. So today I loved myself completely. Because I can and will always be able to count on myself. I now know how to get what I want. No more waiting , hoping and expecting. Just me and my choices for today. You don't need to wait until your birthday to do this so go and make it happen now. xx