After my marriage broke down in 2015, I experienced so many emotions as you would expect. I have already written about the dark days but this post is about my journey through three phases of healing through social media! Yes Facebook!!!
Phase One: DON'T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I AM SUFFERING??? For the months to follow the separation I would try to distract myself from my issues by scrolling through Facebook. What I saw was heartbreaking for me at the time. Photos of people together celebrating their wedding anniversaries, posts declaring their love to their partner on their birthdays and pics from romantic holidays away together.
I got so upset by this. My thoughts took me to feelings of resentment and hurt and most of all FAILURE. I hated seeing everybody else's relationships in my face. Why was their relationship still in tact and not mine??? I was in a selfish zone where I was in suffering and I allowed myself to be there for a short time. We all have to give ourselves permission to be here when we are hurting from a hard life experience or for some a terrible tragedy. The fact that the world keeps spinning and it seems inconsiderate of social media to shove this fact in your face is fricken challenging! I had to make the better decision to remove the Facebook app off my phone and go without until I was stronger to deal with it.
Phase Two: WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON BEHIND THAT PHOTO? Once I became more resilient and had moved into a better space, I started to look at these posts of other people with curiosity. I would wonder what was the truth behind the post. I would ask if the marriage being celebrated for 25 years was full of love and laughter and connection? Was this relationship honest and supportive and loyal? I really hoped they were. However research shows that more people are unhappy in their marriage than ever before. Only one third of couples are happy and 50% of marriages end in divorce. So that is one out of every two that are not happy. So I wonder behind these posts are there loveless marriages? Marriages where they haven't had sex in 12 months so a spouse turns to porn to find satisfaction? Marriages where the woman never, ever has an orgasm? Relationships where there is no communication? Partnerships where arguing is an everyday occurrence? Marriages where one spouse has to take on both roles in the house because the other is suffering from anxiety or depression and is taken out of the game 3 to 4 days a week? Relationships where one partner dominates and controls all the finances and decisions? Marriages where spouses belittle their other half to their friends. I could go on...I have heard a lot through my work and my studies. Getting curious helps bring perspective and understanding that the grass is not always greener over there. And this list isn't to upset people especially if they find some of these true for their relationship. It is just a perfect opportunity to reflect.
Phase Three: THE POWER OF MY HEART! So once my wondering is over, I move into a place of hope and kindness. I develop a strong desire that the people I see in front of me whether on social media or in real life have the best relationship that is possible for them. I never want to wish pain and heartbreak like what I experienced on anyone so I wish for the opposite which is love. I wish for people to find ways to make their marriages powerful and sustainable. I want people to look honestly at their relationship, find the issues and get to work now at moving through them. I wish for people to look for the good in each other and allow each other to grow as individuals but find common ground together to move towards joint goals and vision. I wish for people to love each other WITHOUT conditions, without taking away love and intimacy just because the other didn't meet our expectation. I wish for couples to show their children through role modelling how to love and honour their significant other.
Ultimately I wish for you to be in a loving relationship more than I do for myself. There are so many more of you so why the heck not!
I have learnt the hard way! Do not go another day
without making your relationship with your spouse/partner the top priority only second to the relationship you have with yourself.
Get to work today.
Rediscover each other.
And please DO post photos of your celebrations together on social media. You have every right to share your beautiful moments. Just ensure they come from the heart and soul and not the ego and the mind.
May your relationships be filled with abundant love! Aroha nui. xxx